The Closeout Warrior

Although I was introduced to Civilization on the Mac, the majority of the time that I spent with the game came from the Super NES version.

I didn’t even know there was a Super NES version until I happened into my local Waldensoftware, where I found a lone copy sitting on the shelf. Waldensoftware was observing the practice of putting empty boxes on the shelves, and keeping the ‘goods’ behind the counter, so when I purchased it, for some reason I did not get the technology tree insert that told me what technologies led to what other technologies. So I got to learn the entire tree by trial and error. However, I was supplied with an unusually thick manual.

Civilization, at least the original incarnation, places you as the ruler of a tribe of people that you build up into a world power with one of two goals: world domination or launch a rocket into space to colonize another planet.

At its heart, Civilization is a strategy game, and can really be thought of as a glorified board game. Each tribe will move all of its units, adjust its cities, check expenditures, and adjust whatever minutiae, then it’s the next tribe’s turn. You have to manage a somewhat-complex balance of resources, money, citizen happiness, research funding, transit systems, gathering resources, creating trade routes, military training, your war effort, fending off barbarians, diplomacy, and the building of Wonders. It sounds like a lot, but you have no time limit on how long your turn lasts, so you can ponder and tweak to your heart’s content. I had the most fun seeing how many Wonders I could cram into one town.

Each Wonder that you built provided the city that it was built in with specific bonuses, and my capital cities were full to the gills with bonuses. Imagine a town that had the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, the Colossus, J.S. Bach’s Cathedral, the Pyramids, Michaelangelo’s Chapel, the Great Library, and the Great Wall. It was a little crowded, but also completely awesome.

This game is also one of the two games that I own that actually makes use of the Super NES mouse and isn’t Mario Paint. In a game like this, mouse support totally makes sense: you have to point and click to do everything. I’m reasonably certain that this game is responsible for both wearing out my left mouse-button and completely wearing away the textured surface in the middle of the rigid plastic mouse pad.

I played Skuljagger one time, a pretty long time ago. As a game it was pretty forgettable: you run around some generic island to collect gems and buckle the swashes of some pirates. Oh sure, your power-ups consisted primarily of gum, but gaining powers by eating candy has also already been done by Boys and their Blobs.

It’s probably about now that you’re wondering to yourself, “Well, why would anyone want to play it then?”

Excellent question!

As it happens, in the game’s heyday you could actually call a specially-crafted phone number and Skulljagger himself will insult you. Mercilessly, even. Who would care how bad the game was when you could call a number for free and have some pre-recorded pirate call you a quaking pus-bag? I called the line pretty well daily over the summer of 1992, pretty much every time I went by a payphone. If memory serves, there were only three monologues delivered by our pirate-captain friend. The last one was exceedingly short and sounded like Skulljagger recorded it while sitting on the top of a moving semi on a windy day, and although I can’t remember the exact wording of the message, I do remember the crappy game. That’s worth something, right?

Right?

I received a copy of Secret of Mana for Christmas in 1993. By December 31st was calling Nintendo’s Game Counselors because, though I had managed to complete everything else, I couldn’t figure out how to win the final encounter. I explained this to the person who answered the phone and all he could muster was a, “You got that for Christmas, and you’re already there?”, before he told me what I needed to know. In retrospect, the solution was rather obvious (I won’t post it here for spoiler reasons, although after 13+ years, it should be old news).

I would end up playing through the game at least half a dozen more times that year. Each time I was impressed not only by the depth and breadth of the story, but also by how the game as a whole came together. Okay, I’ll admit the story isn’t anything particularly groundbreaking: unlikely kid turns out to be predestined to save the world from an evil empire (complete with its own resistance movement!). But it is lengthy. It introduced me to a wide variety of characters, and taught me the word ‘aegagropilon’. The word is so obscure that I could only find out a definition by using the school-owned, six-inch-thick, unabridged dictionary of Crazy Words You Never Thought Existed(tm).

Fun Fact: With a multitap, you can have up to three people play this game at the same time. However, it’s my experience that having more than one person in control of a character drastically slows down your progression.

The graphics at the time were quite impressive, each character was distinct, colorful, and well animated. They still hold up well today. The soundtrack is nothing short of amazing. Nearly every track is memorable, and they all ‘fit’ exceptionally well. This is one of the best examples of the kinds of sounds that the Super NES was capable of producing.

These days finding the game in any condition is nothing short of amazing. Even assuming you can find a copy, the cost is going to be borderline ridiculous. This means that the game is either rare, sought after, or both. It’s certainly worth seeking out to play, so long as you can find a copy within your price range.