Great Qin Warriors is a game that is so ludicrously bad that, if I didn’t know better, I’d swear was a giant practical joke put on by the developer, Epie Games, because a game cannot be this bad by accident.
The story is convoluted, and I know that I wasn’t able to fully wrap my head around it from the intro movie, but here’s what I think I learned: In the Mysterious Future humanity has built this crazy-powerful super weapon, which has inexplicably created a second earth that’s the opposite of the real earth, i.e. the new earth is evil. So, obviously, war breaks out between the two earths and their armies of giant battle robots. In the ensuing battle, a hole is ripped in time and sends the robots back in time to feudal China where a giant land-war is taking place. Robots from each side of the conflict join opposing sides of the war, and are christened the Great Qin Warriors. At least that’s how I remember it. I don’t feel the need to watch it again.
After the completely bizarre intro, we’re thrust into the game proper. I was only able to force myself to play the first stage. This stage consisted of a gigantic square-shaped open snow field with a building plunked in the middle, which I think was a Chinese temple (the back of the box proudly proclaimed something to the effect that this game was the finest digital representation of Chinese culture and buildings yet created). Scattered around the level are evil people in evil giant robots and evil gun turrets on the (I assume) neutral temple. Both the evil robots and the evil gun turrets have the ability to shoot and hit you from a distance so great that you can’t even see them to fire back. Your goal, although not explicitly stated in any place that I could find, seemed to be to destroy everything hostile on the map without letting your giant robot get destroyed.
This shouldn’t be so hard of a goal, but the level is absolutely enormous. If the robots were people-sized, then the level would be the approximate size of a 4×4 grid of football fields, except not quite as flat and without the lines drawn on the ground.
Another problem is that the levels are incredibly sparsely populated. The absolutely enormous level should be teeming with enemies, with plenty of foliage to hide behind to provide a sense of immersion. What the level actually has is about a dozen enemies hidden in the corners furthest away from you. You can’t see them, but they can sure see, shoot, and kill you.
Also, hidden somewhere within the level is something that looks like a portal that provides a minuscule influx of new evil robots. I was not able to destroy the portal directly, but I was able blow up all of the evil robots that came out of it, thereby destroying it.
The level took me nearly an hour, and the bulk of that time was finding the lone robot in the corner of the map that I didn’t fully decimate. I had damaged the thing, but it was stuck in the corner waiting for me to come back and finish the job instead of chasing me for any length of time. Then I uninstalled the game and decided to never play it again.
There is no part of this game that is fun or makes sense. Even at $1 it was seriously overpriced.